There's a lockdown trend afoot: recreating fast food at home. You can imitate the meal, but there's no substitute for the shame.
Homemade pizza
The noodle and the damage done
I am happy to announce that I have invented what I call the "stir" "fry", a meal composed entirely of – and this is the clever bit – things you have fried while stirring. The stirring is key, because otherwise the things will burn.
New Year’s Eve failure steak
I ended the year as I lived it: doing something to a standard that was acceptable but ultimately fell short of its potential.
Griddled chicken and chickpea stew
As my grandfather used to say, you can't griddle a chicken without humiliating a junior halal butcher.
Lunch potato salads
I am trying the 5:2 diet, because I heard it facilitated George Osborne's transformation from awful bastard into slightly thinner awful bastard. This requires planning, especially where lunch is concerned, because it turns out that on your low-calorie days getting the turkey club sandwich from Sainsbury's will mean all you're allowed to eat for the rest of the day is dust and grass.
Gammon in Coca-Cola with a maple syrup glaze
Getting rid of unwanted things in the kitchen cupboard is becoming a bit of an obsession. I’ve had a bottle of Coke in there since it came with a takeaway pizza deal some time last year and I’m not a fan of the stuff. You can use it quite effectively to clean the toilet apparently, or you can drop a bit of a dead pig in it and boil it for a while.
Shove a Lemon Up It 