That’s so ramen

In lockdown, things to look forward to are vital. Lunch is one. The delivery of whatever useless tat you've been suckered into buying online is another.

Homemade pizza

There's a lockdown trend afoot: recreating fast food at home. You can imitate the meal, but there's no substitute for the shame.

Flaming pie

When two worlds collide: a 1997 Paul McCartney album and its influence on the trailblazing decision to put chilli in a pie.

Apple bran muffins

So lockdown's come to this: baking, and the obligation to perform constant mental arithmetic because the recipe you're following is measured in US cups.

Apocalypse chilli

A week before lockdown is announced there are rumours it's coming. I go out to buy food, feeling panicked, though it goes without saying I'm not panic-buying.

The noodle and the damage done

I am happy to announce that I have invented what I call the "stir" "fry", a meal composed entirely of – and this is the clever bit – things you have fried while stirring. The stirring is key, because otherwise the things will burn.

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